Dear Ellie: My father passed away last year after battling cancer. I live elsewhere, so experienced much worry, scary phone calls, and last- minute flights.
Throughout, my few close friends barely asked how he (or I) was doing.
I flew home to be with him, and then emailed them about his death. One friend emailed back a touching note while the other emailed only "Sorry, that's tough."
Back home, neither reached out. Several months later our paths crossed and neither my girlfriends nor their spouses (all supposedly good friends) even said, "I'm sorry about your dad."
Ironically, my work colleagues and more distant friends responded more appropriately.
I'm also upset that they didn't ask how my child was handling losing a beloved grandfather. I'd have loved help, as my child's grief was especially difficult while I was going through my own.
Following my dad's death, our family endured the unexpected deaths of numerous family members, which was devastating. My friends don't know — why bother telling them?
Anger and resentment has kept me from sleep. I don't want to keep surrounding myself with negative energy/ emotions.
Should I bring it up after all this time?
Feeling Friendless
Dear Feeling: I'm going to assume from references to your child that your friends are of an age where they haven't also lost a parent. The experience of that particular grief usually leaves people with a new understanding of the importance of support at that time.
This doesn't excuse them from not making inquiries or reaching out, because surely they've read/heard of how needed that is. But there's also the fact that many people fear the whole area of loss and grief and are extremely poor at handling it . . . until they must.
Or, you have been friends with very self-absorbed people, which is also a reality for some in our society. Whatever the background here, you need to clear the air, if you wish to remain friends.
Invite them to coffee, and explain how hurt you were, which has made you question whether they didn't understand, or didn't care. Be prepared — they might apologize, or they might say that you didn't bring them in enough (a frequent excuse, but sometimes bears truth, too).